Big ol' confession post

I can't remember if I've discussed this before but I'm dealing with huge issues of postpartum depression. One day I'm doing really well, feeling really good about myself, exercising, eating well etc. Next day I feel like crap, don't want to eat well (which to me is not eating enough), want the world to literally go away etc. Unfortunately it all depends on whether or not I take my meds. I desperately don't even want to be on the depression meds but obviously I need them. Since I don't want to even be on them in the first place I think I keep wishing them away. Probably doesn't make sense. My chiropractor is putting me on a program to help me get off them but the supplements haven't arrived by mail yet. I forget one day, miss again the next day, hope that I don't need them anyway the next day, maybe the supplements will come today so I don't ever have to take them again (which is a stupid thought process because your not even supposed to go off of them when you first start taking the supplements!) and then I start getting suicidal and then I decide I love my children just enough that I better start taking them again. Two days later start feeling great again, normal. Take them really good for a few days, start getting lazy again and the whole cycle starts over.

Doesn't help that I'm also on Thyroid meds that is pretty much the same story. I do much better at remembering to take them but I'm also in the habit of taking them because it's something I will always have to take plus my 6yo dd is also on the same thing and she is much better at remembering than I am. BUT, if by chance I do get out of the habit and start missing I become an absolute zombie.

So why do I forget them? I have the tools to help me feel great all the time. Why do I sabotage that? I don't have a clue. Yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel for the entire BL but I really, really want to be a different size for my birthday. I will be 39 on the 19th of June. I can't really put my finger on why that's significant because I've never really been fixated on big birthdays. Maybe it's because I want to enjoy my last year in the 30's as a skinny Mom. Maybe because they say it's harder to lose weight after you turn 40. I have no idea. Maybe it's just because in January I made my dh promise that he would take me out for my birthday to the really expensive place in town and I would wear my "Little Black Dress". Last week I was all psyched and feeling truly positive that I could do it. Then I got super busy, started missing doses and today I would really like to curl up in bed with Reese's peanut butter cups and a Dr. Pepper. Good idea if I want to feel even crappier than I already do.

I need to get my dh on board with me again. For a long time he was texting me every morning to help me remember to take them. For one reason or another he quit. I also have to have multiple reminders because one or two isn't enough. The reminder will come up, I will say oh yeah, I have to go take my pills, I will finish this one thing and then take them. By the time I'm done with that one thing I haven forgotten all about taking them.

Make me promise that I will talk to dh about it today. I will also put several reminders on my palm pilot and fill up my pill box and put it on the shelf above the sink so I have multiple reminders during the day. I have GOT to do this, not only for the BL challenge but so my children have a Mother and my house and finances don't look like it's been hit by a hurricane.

As a side note to my really downer post, I wondered if anyone would be interested in having an incentive to continue their exercise program. My kids and I have started a team for a big diabetic thing in, um, September, I think. I know, could I be anymore vague? It's either a 5k or 10k or both and I can't remember if it's just a run or a run/walk. If anyone is interested in joining our team I will put the link here on my blog. I'm thinking it's not a 10k run only because both Mom and Sister signed up and neither one of them are in very good shape. I'm in better shape than they are and I couldn't do run a 10k! LOL

Since it's been two weeks

I decided it's time to update. Dh rebuilt our computer so until he restores my favorites I don't have any of my links.



Things slowly improved from that last post. My 2yo also got that stomach bug. It was really bad for him, too. It lasted 6 days. We almost took him to the hospital but got our chiropractor to adjust him and within an hour he had improved so much that we decided there was no reason to take him to the hospital.

The weight loss is at a bit of a stand still for now. The chiropractor still doesn't want me to do much more than walking or water aerobics and I haven't had much time to do either but I feel my motivation is back today so things should improve. My 15 yo (today is his bday!) and I have a bunch of fliers to deliver this week so I should get in a whole bunch of walking.

AFA eating goes, I'm doing fine. I ate lots of chocolate yesterday and likely will today. My philosophy is the faster it's gone the faster it quits tempting me! As soon as its gone I plan on going back to my no sugar thing. I haven't done very good with that since my trip to Oregon. It's high time I get back on that wagon!

Yep, it got worse!

Saturday I ended up with a stomach bug. You know it's a strong bug when I get it. Usually stomach issues pass right by me, I can count on one hand how many times I've actually thrown up from one. I finally got an appetite back Sunday night.

Sunday my 8mo started a fever that didn't come down until this morning. I've done nothing but hold baby for two days. I have no idea why she got it, my kids rarely get fevers and she had no other symptoms.

Our dogs wounds opened up last night and started bleeding again. I guess I'm going to have to take him to the vet. Hopefully they will let us pay in two days.

I desperately need a calm few days.

It hasn't been a great couple of days

Thursday I dropped my boys off at their co-op then got gas and was on my way home from there and got in a car accident. I went through an intersection where the lights were not working. I stopped then slowly pulled through to show my intention to go through then I started to speed up. When I was about 3/4 the way through the intersection a car hit me. She was an elderly woman that didn't notice that the lights were not working and didn't stop. She hit me in the right front of my van, thank goodness because I had my four younger kids with me. If she had hit me in the side my 8yo dd or 2yo ds would have been hit. All the kids were fine. I hurt a couple of fingers really bad, although they aren't broken, and the muscles all through my back hurt pretty bad. I'm going to see a chiropractor on Monday and a massage therapist possibly on Tuesday.

Then Friday our dog got out and got bit by some neighbors dog that was out in it's yard. He's got two deep gashes on his back near his neck. We have absolutely no money for a vet so I cleaned them out with essential oils and glued them with super glue. So far it seems to be working. I'm going to rinse them several times today with the essential oils so hopefully it doesn't get infected.

My 6yo dd has an abcess on her gum and my 2yo has a nasty sounding cough. It can only get better from here, right?

All my grand intentions to exercise and eat well have gone out the window. I did great Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, though. Hopefully after I see the chiropractor and massage therapist I'll feel like getting back to exercising.

Home again!

I had a blast! I learned so much and had so much fun. Can't wait for next years conference. We are already planning on attending.

As far as eating goes I did great right up until the last day (with the exception of the score candy bar when I craved chocolate one night). On the drive home I ate everything I could get my hands on. I didn't exercise at all. There just wasn't time. We left early in the morning for classes and got back most nights after midnight. We had a very hard pulling ourselves away from so many wise, inspirational women.

So, on the drive home, my friend made the commitment that she would not weigh for two weeks to allow her body to make up for any gained weight and not get her depressed so I've decided to make the same commitment. I don't know if I've gained anything but I don't want to regret anything I did. So help me stick with it.

Dh went to the cannery last week while I was gone. I'm excited because now I have lots of wheat to play around with and come up with new recipes that have no white flour or sugar. I want to do some research with xylitol. From what I've heard it's really good for you.

Sounds like you all are doing great. Keep up the good work and keep on trucking!

Ok, official weigh in

So, I thought it was pretty good considering I went two weeks with nothing. I'm just glad I'm losing again. So here is the official wii fit pic. As usual my lighting was crappy but as long as it can be read, I'm happy with that. That is a 6.1 loss. Even if I keep that up I will still reach my goal by June.

Ack! I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted!

I have been incredibly busy these last two weeks plus my meds have been screwed up too. Meds are now normal again but life will not settle down for awhile so I will just need to get used to my new normal.

Last time I posted that my weight has plateaued a bit but it's seems to have started moving again. I haven't weighed myself for two weeks cause I was sick of seeing the same number. I'm still basically doing the Special K thing but have tweaked it a bit to make it more of a whole foods diet. I'm alternating between Special K, Oatmeal with Craisins and Kashi cereal. Some mornings, when I'm super busy, all I have is dried fruit and almonds. I've increased how much fruit and veggies I eat (I'm off my blood thinners now so I can eat anything, yay!) and I'm trying hard to do away with processed foods, white flour and white sugar (Thank you Karilynn for reminding me of how I SHOULD be eating). I know special K isn't the best choice but it's still an ok choice until I can get some more recipes and more better (LOL, my kids would kill me for my bad grammer!) foods in my food storage.

We also got a membership to the rec center and I've been doing water aerobics with a friend two days a week. I can't go on Wednesday's at the time the class is so I'm thinking of going and doing weights at an earlier time. We will see how motivated I am to do this tomorrow! LOL

It looks like it's working! I've lost weight! I'm keeping it a secret as to how much. You'll find out how much on Thursday! I will tell you that I'm finally out of the 150's! I've been big time bloated the last two weeks so I couldn't tell that I'd lost anything so I was really surprised to see the number that I did this morning.

Next week I'm going to Oregon for 6 days for a midwife conference! Yay! I'm taking my baby and the Grandparents are taking care of the other 6. We are staying at the Hilton (where the conference is) and apparently they have a pretty nice workout room. Whether or not I will use it is another story. I'd have to rely on friends to watch my baby while I workout plus we will be staying up late playing and getting up early for classes so I don't know if it will happen. I think I'm taking the laptop so I will try and check in.