Finally! I am finished! I am a Beautiful Butterfly! I have wings!

Heimlich from Bugs Life

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Big ol' confession post

I can't remember if I've discussed this before but I'm dealing with huge issues of postpartum depression. One day I'm doing really well, feeling really good about myself, exercising, eating well etc. Next day I feel like crap, don't want to eat well (which to me is not eating enough), want the world to literally go away etc. Unfortunately it all depends on whether or not I take my meds. I desperately don't even want to be on the depression meds but obviously I need them. Since I don't want to even be on them in the first place I think I keep wishing them away. Probably doesn't make sense. My chiropractor is putting me on a program to help me get off them but the supplements haven't arrived by mail yet. I forget one day, miss again the next day, hope that I don't need them anyway the next day, maybe the supplements will come today so I don't ever have to take them again (which is a stupid thought process because your not even supposed to go off of them when you first start taking the supplements!) and then I start getting suicidal and then I decide I love my children just enough that I better start taking them again. Two days later start feeling great again, normal. Take them really good for a few days, start getting lazy again and the whole cycle starts over.

Doesn't help that I'm also on Thyroid meds that is pretty much the same story. I do much better at remembering to take them but I'm also in the habit of taking them because it's something I will always have to take plus my 6yo dd is also on the same thing and she is much better at remembering than I am. BUT, if by chance I do get out of the habit and start missing I become an absolute zombie.

So why do I forget them? I have the tools to help me feel great all the time. Why do I sabotage that? I don't have a clue. Yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel for the entire BL but I really, really want to be a different size for my birthday. I will be 39 on the 19th of June. I can't really put my finger on why that's significant because I've never really been fixated on big birthdays. Maybe it's because I want to enjoy my last year in the 30's as a skinny Mom. Maybe because they say it's harder to lose weight after you turn 40. I have no idea. Maybe it's just because in January I made my dh promise that he would take me out for my birthday to the really expensive place in town and I would wear my "Little Black Dress". Last week I was all psyched and feeling truly positive that I could do it. Then I got super busy, started missing doses and today I would really like to curl up in bed with Reese's peanut butter cups and a Dr. Pepper. Good idea if I want to feel even crappier than I already do.

I need to get my dh on board with me again. For a long time he was texting me every morning to help me remember to take them. For one reason or another he quit. I also have to have multiple reminders because one or two isn't enough. The reminder will come up, I will say oh yeah, I have to go take my pills, I will finish this one thing and then take them. By the time I'm done with that one thing I haven forgotten all about taking them.

Make me promise that I will talk to dh about it today. I will also put several reminders on my palm pilot and fill up my pill box and put it on the shelf above the sink so I have multiple reminders during the day. I have GOT to do this, not only for the BL challenge but so my children have a Mother and my house and finances don't look like it's been hit by a hurricane.

As a side note to my really downer post, I wondered if anyone would be interested in having an incentive to continue their exercise program. My kids and I have started a team for a big diabetic thing in, um, September, I think. I know, could I be anymore vague? It's either a 5k or 10k or both and I can't remember if it's just a run or a run/walk. If anyone is interested in joining our team I will put the link here on my blog. I'm thinking it's not a 10k run only because both Mom and Sister signed up and neither one of them are in very good shape. I'm in better shape than they are and I couldn't do run a 10k! LOL