Big ol' confession post

I can't remember if I've discussed this before but I'm dealing with huge issues of postpartum depression. One day I'm doing really well, feeling really good about myself, exercising, eating well etc. Next day I feel like crap, don't want to eat well (which to me is not eating enough), want the world to literally go away etc. Unfortunately it all depends on whether or not I take my meds. I desperately don't even want to be on the depression meds but obviously I need them. Since I don't want to even be on them in the first place I think I keep wishing them away. Probably doesn't make sense. My chiropractor is putting me on a program to help me get off them but the supplements haven't arrived by mail yet. I forget one day, miss again the next day, hope that I don't need them anyway the next day, maybe the supplements will come today so I don't ever have to take them again (which is a stupid thought process because your not even supposed to go off of them when you first start taking the supplements!) and then I start getting suicidal and then I decide I love my children just enough that I better start taking them again. Two days later start feeling great again, normal. Take them really good for a few days, start getting lazy again and the whole cycle starts over.

Doesn't help that I'm also on Thyroid meds that is pretty much the same story. I do much better at remembering to take them but I'm also in the habit of taking them because it's something I will always have to take plus my 6yo dd is also on the same thing and she is much better at remembering than I am. BUT, if by chance I do get out of the habit and start missing I become an absolute zombie.

So why do I forget them? I have the tools to help me feel great all the time. Why do I sabotage that? I don't have a clue. Yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel for the entire BL but I really, really want to be a different size for my birthday. I will be 39 on the 19th of June. I can't really put my finger on why that's significant because I've never really been fixated on big birthdays. Maybe it's because I want to enjoy my last year in the 30's as a skinny Mom. Maybe because they say it's harder to lose weight after you turn 40. I have no idea. Maybe it's just because in January I made my dh promise that he would take me out for my birthday to the really expensive place in town and I would wear my "Little Black Dress". Last week I was all psyched and feeling truly positive that I could do it. Then I got super busy, started missing doses and today I would really like to curl up in bed with Reese's peanut butter cups and a Dr. Pepper. Good idea if I want to feel even crappier than I already do.

I need to get my dh on board with me again. For a long time he was texting me every morning to help me remember to take them. For one reason or another he quit. I also have to have multiple reminders because one or two isn't enough. The reminder will come up, I will say oh yeah, I have to go take my pills, I will finish this one thing and then take them. By the time I'm done with that one thing I haven forgotten all about taking them.

Make me promise that I will talk to dh about it today. I will also put several reminders on my palm pilot and fill up my pill box and put it on the shelf above the sink so I have multiple reminders during the day. I have GOT to do this, not only for the BL challenge but so my children have a Mother and my house and finances don't look like it's been hit by a hurricane.

As a side note to my really downer post, I wondered if anyone would be interested in having an incentive to continue their exercise program. My kids and I have started a team for a big diabetic thing in, um, September, I think. I know, could I be anymore vague? It's either a 5k or 10k or both and I can't remember if it's just a run or a run/walk. If anyone is interested in joining our team I will put the link here on my blog. I'm thinking it's not a 10k run only because both Mom and Sister signed up and neither one of them are in very good shape. I'm in better shape than they are and I couldn't do run a 10k! LOL

Since it's been two weeks

I decided it's time to update. Dh rebuilt our computer so until he restores my favorites I don't have any of my links.



Things slowly improved from that last post. My 2yo also got that stomach bug. It was really bad for him, too. It lasted 6 days. We almost took him to the hospital but got our chiropractor to adjust him and within an hour he had improved so much that we decided there was no reason to take him to the hospital.

The weight loss is at a bit of a stand still for now. The chiropractor still doesn't want me to do much more than walking or water aerobics and I haven't had much time to do either but I feel my motivation is back today so things should improve. My 15 yo (today is his bday!) and I have a bunch of fliers to deliver this week so I should get in a whole bunch of walking.

AFA eating goes, I'm doing fine. I ate lots of chocolate yesterday and likely will today. My philosophy is the faster it's gone the faster it quits tempting me! As soon as its gone I plan on going back to my no sugar thing. I haven't done very good with that since my trip to Oregon. It's high time I get back on that wagon!

Yep, it got worse!

Saturday I ended up with a stomach bug. You know it's a strong bug when I get it. Usually stomach issues pass right by me, I can count on one hand how many times I've actually thrown up from one. I finally got an appetite back Sunday night.

Sunday my 8mo started a fever that didn't come down until this morning. I've done nothing but hold baby for two days. I have no idea why she got it, my kids rarely get fevers and she had no other symptoms.

Our dogs wounds opened up last night and started bleeding again. I guess I'm going to have to take him to the vet. Hopefully they will let us pay in two days.

I desperately need a calm few days.

It hasn't been a great couple of days

Thursday I dropped my boys off at their co-op then got gas and was on my way home from there and got in a car accident. I went through an intersection where the lights were not working. I stopped then slowly pulled through to show my intention to go through then I started to speed up. When I was about 3/4 the way through the intersection a car hit me. She was an elderly woman that didn't notice that the lights were not working and didn't stop. She hit me in the right front of my van, thank goodness because I had my four younger kids with me. If she had hit me in the side my 8yo dd or 2yo ds would have been hit. All the kids were fine. I hurt a couple of fingers really bad, although they aren't broken, and the muscles all through my back hurt pretty bad. I'm going to see a chiropractor on Monday and a massage therapist possibly on Tuesday.

Then Friday our dog got out and got bit by some neighbors dog that was out in it's yard. He's got two deep gashes on his back near his neck. We have absolutely no money for a vet so I cleaned them out with essential oils and glued them with super glue. So far it seems to be working. I'm going to rinse them several times today with the essential oils so hopefully it doesn't get infected.

My 6yo dd has an abcess on her gum and my 2yo has a nasty sounding cough. It can only get better from here, right?

All my grand intentions to exercise and eat well have gone out the window. I did great Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, though. Hopefully after I see the chiropractor and massage therapist I'll feel like getting back to exercising.

Home again!

I had a blast! I learned so much and had so much fun. Can't wait for next years conference. We are already planning on attending.

As far as eating goes I did great right up until the last day (with the exception of the score candy bar when I craved chocolate one night). On the drive home I ate everything I could get my hands on. I didn't exercise at all. There just wasn't time. We left early in the morning for classes and got back most nights after midnight. We had a very hard pulling ourselves away from so many wise, inspirational women.

So, on the drive home, my friend made the commitment that she would not weigh for two weeks to allow her body to make up for any gained weight and not get her depressed so I've decided to make the same commitment. I don't know if I've gained anything but I don't want to regret anything I did. So help me stick with it.

Dh went to the cannery last week while I was gone. I'm excited because now I have lots of wheat to play around with and come up with new recipes that have no white flour or sugar. I want to do some research with xylitol. From what I've heard it's really good for you.

Sounds like you all are doing great. Keep up the good work and keep on trucking!

Ok, official weigh in

So, I thought it was pretty good considering I went two weeks with nothing. I'm just glad I'm losing again. So here is the official wii fit pic. As usual my lighting was crappy but as long as it can be read, I'm happy with that. That is a 6.1 loss. Even if I keep that up I will still reach my goal by June.

Ack! I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted!

I have been incredibly busy these last two weeks plus my meds have been screwed up too. Meds are now normal again but life will not settle down for awhile so I will just need to get used to my new normal.

Last time I posted that my weight has plateaued a bit but it's seems to have started moving again. I haven't weighed myself for two weeks cause I was sick of seeing the same number. I'm still basically doing the Special K thing but have tweaked it a bit to make it more of a whole foods diet. I'm alternating between Special K, Oatmeal with Craisins and Kashi cereal. Some mornings, when I'm super busy, all I have is dried fruit and almonds. I've increased how much fruit and veggies I eat (I'm off my blood thinners now so I can eat anything, yay!) and I'm trying hard to do away with processed foods, white flour and white sugar (Thank you Karilynn for reminding me of how I SHOULD be eating). I know special K isn't the best choice but it's still an ok choice until I can get some more recipes and more better (LOL, my kids would kill me for my bad grammer!) foods in my food storage.

We also got a membership to the rec center and I've been doing water aerobics with a friend two days a week. I can't go on Wednesday's at the time the class is so I'm thinking of going and doing weights at an earlier time. We will see how motivated I am to do this tomorrow! LOL

It looks like it's working! I've lost weight! I'm keeping it a secret as to how much. You'll find out how much on Thursday! I will tell you that I'm finally out of the 150's! I've been big time bloated the last two weeks so I couldn't tell that I'd lost anything so I was really surprised to see the number that I did this morning.

Next week I'm going to Oregon for 6 days for a midwife conference! Yay! I'm taking my baby and the Grandparents are taking care of the other 6. We are staying at the Hilton (where the conference is) and apparently they have a pretty nice workout room. Whether or not I will use it is another story. I'd have to rely on friends to watch my baby while I workout plus we will be staying up late playing and getting up early for classes so I don't know if it will happen. I think I'm taking the laptop so I will try and check in.

I seem to have plateaued a bit

My weight is stuck but I measured myself yesterday (found the book I'd written my measurements in) and I've lost 8 inches total, 3 on my tummy alone!  I was very happy!

This week I watched Biggest Loser and I was struck by how hard they work everyday at losing weight.  The night before weigh in some of them were up most of the night exercising.  While I think that is pretty extreme for normal life it did help me realize that I could be working a lot harder than I already am.  On BL they were working so hard that sweat was pouring off their face and they were crying because they weren't sure they could do even one more of whatever they were doing.  Then they pulled through and were able to do several more.  I'm breaking a sweat but it's not pouring off my face and I don't very often get to the point where I have to force myself to do just one more.

So I decided this week I was going to work harder.  I upped all of my reps and increased the time on all my workouts.   Now I'm up to exercising 1.5 to 2 hours.  I have to get up at 6 to do it but thats ok.  It has felt really good.   I've also been working harder on not eating crap and sticking to my plan.  I was doing fine until yesterday when we got valentines ready for a party today.  We had leftover candy and had a terrible time keeping them out of my mouth.  I told myself that two chocolate kisses wasn't going to hurt anything.  And it wouldn't have if I'd been able to stop after that.  That two turned into more like 2 handfuls!  LOL  Sigh, oh well.  

Tonight hubby and I are ditching the kids and then spending the night at home with just the two of us.  We had planned on spending the whole weekend at a hotel but we didn't get our taxes filed in time so we have to do it on the cheap.  Thats ok.  No kids is a vacation in itself!  I've been telling myself that Valentines weekend was going to be one of my splurges.  For just the next two days I'm going to eat anything I want and not worry about how much I will gain.  Hopefully my hard work from this week will pay off and it won't effect me too much.

Official Weigh In

So, here it is, the big weigh in.  I was much lower than I imagined I would be.  My dd was holding the tube of toothpaste,  I couldn't figure out any other way to get it in the pic of the wii weight page.  So, I went from 160.9 to 151.2, a difference of 9.7!  Yay!

I wanted to do measurements but my Palm Pilot is having issues and that is where I stored all my previous measurements so I don't have anything to compare them to.  I will still measure today and will post the differences some day when I figure out to fix my Palm.

So, yeah, I'm pretty sure I know what happened

With the wii fit board it comes with little attachments if you use it on carpet. I weighed myself with them on and then took them off and it makes about a 5 lb difference so I think I must have weighed myself a few times with them off. So going from my starting weight I've lost a total of 5 lbs which still feels pretty good.

The bad news is that I haven't exercised for two days. I started a new medicine Monday that is giving me insomnia really bad. Monday night I slept about 4 hours and last night I slept about 6. Hopefully tonight will be better. I will definitely be getting back on the wagon tomorrow. I just feel so much better on the days I've exercised.

When I went to lunch today I got a turkey club without the bacon and mayo on whole wheat so I think I did ok.

I think I know what happened

I don't want to say yet but it means I never lost 10 lbs to begin with, which is good because it also means I didn't gain 7 lbs in one day! LOL Anyway, I will test my theory tomorrow and tell you if it worked.

So I kinda took a break over the weekend. I still worked out Saturday but didn't think much about eating either day. Weighed this morning and had still lost 1.7 so thats good. Last night was my bro's bday so I ate a piece of cake and some icecream. No biggie. It's the everyday eating that concerns me.

So....this week I have a girls lunch out and a midwife friend is taking me to dinner. What are good choices at Olive Garden? I'm going to lunch with friends that have had weight problems in the past and have lost a bunch of weight so I'm planning on asking them to help me make good choices. Both of them are so beautiful and huge inspirations to me!

Someone asked what kind of midwife was I becoming. I'm going to be a CPM and do homebirths.

Frustrated

I've gained 6 lbs back. I'm not quite sure why. It happened on Wednesday and I can't get it to budge. The only thing I can think of is that I skipped lunch on Tuesday. I had an unexpected visitor, we'd been invited to go swimming so I was looking through storage to find swim suits, when I got to the pool I realized that I had never eaten. I ended up eating way more than I would have normally when I got home because I was so hungry. BUT I've maintained the inches lost, actually lost more. I just don't get it.

So.... maybe my body thought I was trying to starve it and wants to hang on to every bit of food that it can.....maybe it's a combination of that and muscle increase.....maybe I lost the first 10 lbs too fast, I've been worried about that....maybe I'm a failure and just can't do anything right.....who knows. It's been really hard to not give up. I just have to keep telling myself that eventually it will go down again and I need to be patient.

I increased my exercise Thursday and today to about an hour and 15 min. I'll repeat that tomorrow and then Monday I want to get up earlier and do an hour and a half. It's not all aerobics. It's part yoga, part strength training, part aerobics. The increase will be just in the aerobics area.

I never did start keeping track of my calories and fat. I might have to start following recipes that have the info listed. It's just very time consuming for me to figure out what each individual ingredient is, add it all together, divide it by the number of servings we might get out of it and then figure out how much I will eat. I just don't have the time. Maybe some day I will figure out what all our favorites are and go from there. Until then I don't know what to do.

Just frustrated.

Feeling normal again

Family is better too except my 16 yo. I think he's going to need a Dr also.

Weekly update- I exercised 6 days last week, two days were light days while I was feeling crappy but at least I did something on those days! Weekend eating was not great but we were 4 hours at a meeting and starved when we got done so we stopped at Wendy's. Trying to balance the eating good and staying within our budget I had a $1 chicken sandwich. I have no idea how much fat and calories they have so..... yeah, there ya go. It's also really hard to curb the snacking while dh is home. Almonds are good for me but too many is not! LOL

The good news is...... I lost 4 lbs. A total of 10 lbs! Awesome. I also measured myself yesterday. I've lost at least an inch off my waist, hips and thighs! I'm very happy! I put a skirt on yesterday that I haven't been able to get buttoned before now. I got it buttoned!

My goal for this week is to write down everything. I need to know for sure how many fat grams and calories I eat mostly because what you don't know CAN hurt you. It would also be nice to have a report for my Dr when I go see him about my cholesterol next Monday.

Feeling better

I finally gave in yesterday and went to the dr. I started getting worried because the infection was spreading to my chest. One of my biggest fears from getting the blood clot in my lung is pneumonia so I decided I'd waited long enough and got an antibiotic. I can already tell a difference this morning. Tomorrow I should be nearly back to normal.

My good news is that yesterday I finally had a good eating day. I got in about 5 servings of whole grains, 3 veggies and 4 fruits plus lots of water. Yay me! As soon as baby girl goes back to sleep (she was up at 6:00. Usually she sleeps until 10) I will finally be able to get in a full workout.

Very sick

I've had a really bad sinus infection since Thursday. When I get sick I quit caring about any resolves and just go with the flow. Thursday I ate very little, Friday my dd made a chocolate cake and I caved and ate two pieces, Saturday once again I ate very little partly because I went to Body Worlds with a friend. We were there almost 5 hours and missed lunch. I filled up with a banana, some nuts and crackers after we got done and then since it was close to dinner time I didn't eat much dinner. I wouldn't have gone since I felt so crappy but my friend had already paid for the tickets and those tickets are expensive. I exercised Friday but missed Thursday and Saturday. That's 4 days of exercising. 5 is what I need to do for the insurance and six is my goal but when you're sick, you're sick.

I'm beginning to feel a bit better so next week should be much better.

Day 5

I'm doing ok. Yesterday was super busy so I ended up with only 4 grams of fat and probably not enough calories (I don't count calories very often so I'm not very good at it, fat and carbs is another story!) Not enough veggies either. No exercise......blah, blah. Big deal. It was an unusual day and eventually will happen. Going out with hubby tonight. That should help. Praying cold doesn't turn into sinus infection like it's threatening to do.

Good news is that I've lost more weight. I'm down about 15 lbs from my highest weight three months ago!

Day 3

Today will be the hardest. Day 3 always is. I'm grateful that I have two different motivators. One is this group (Awesome!), the other is our insurance company has a money challenge going on. I have to go until Feb. 28th without eating sugar. Very, very hard for me. It's really hard for me to go without chocolate. I'm a HUGE addict! But I can do it if I have something to replace it with like hard candies or licorice. I can't even do that with the challenge so I know it's going to be rough but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I have replaced it with crackers, triscuits, and I'm watching the servings and fat grams, so hopefully it won't keep me from losing.

The two biggest things I need to work on is drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. Unfortunately I'm a bit limited in what I can eat for several reasons. 1, I'm on blood thinners so it limits what veggies I can eat. It means no dark green leafy veggies, so no spinach or broccoli or dark lettuce etc. Those are my favorite veggies! It means I just don't eat salad because I think iceburg lettuce is pretty useless in the nutrient department. Anyway #2 reason I'm limited is because I won't have any money to grocery shop until next thursday, the 15th. It's really really hard to keep fresh fruits and veggies in this house because my kids eat them really well. We can go through a 10 lb bag of apples in two days! Three lbs of bananas are gone in a day etc. So if you see lots of repetition, thats why! Hopefully at the end of this month I can go off the blood thinners so that will help too.

I also need to work on keeping my calorie and fat levels up. I know it sounds wierd but whenever I diet I tend to eat too little so I can get to the end of a day and have only eaten 4 fat grams and 800 calories. Definitely not enough, especially for a nursing Mom.

So........

Monday:
Special K/milk
Grapefruit
Special K/milk
Carrot
Two pieces of bread, plain
Breakfast casserole (I know, not the best choice but.....long story)
60 oz water

I'll figure out calories and fat grams later.

Tuesday:
Special K/milk
Triscuits
Special K/milk
Two pieces of bread, plain
Two mini oranges
Pancakes/milk (It was a really crappy evening)

64 oz of water

I've done cardio every day and strength training every other day. Total I workout about an hour.

Pics and weigh in

I'm actually getting around to posting pics, only because it was easy today (found the sd cards easily, found the right card readers, found an easy way to get them into a file etc)! LOL So here I am in all my glory. Plus I've lost weight! The Christmas snacking has slacked way off and I've been enjoying the Wii fit so I'm down 3 lbs! Awesome! Course that doesn't count for the BLC but thats ok! I'm thrilled about it. Now just gotta keep going. It would really help if I could get my two littles to fall asleep before midnight, though, so I can exercise at 7 am rather than 8:30 am when everyone else is up and pestering me!

Ok, well, I still don't get the formatting thing but at least they are there. Sorry about the lighting on the two pics. The flash doesn't work on our camera so it's really hard to get a good pic.

Gearing up for Monday

I'm going to get my kids to help me take some pics today so I can post those. I also want to get my measurements up but have to find my measuring tape first. Going to costco to pick up some Special K. Getting my old weight loss notebook out so I can keep track of everything. Lets see, what else.... oh yeah, get everyone participating's link up on my blog. As for a picture of my weight I hope it's ok if I take a pic of Wii fits weight page. I don't trust my scale at all!

I'm excited for this to start on Monday. I'm also LOVING my Wii fit that I got for Xmas! Yes, I've already played around with it and yes, I'm very sore! I also love that my kids are getting more active. We homeschool and with winter it's hard for them to get moving very much.